History
  Home Page | history | updates | Guest Book Page  

Kurts suicide note

To Boddah pronounced

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile camplainee. This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years. Since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the exitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things. For example when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins it doesn't affect the way in which it did for Freddy Mercury who seemed to love and relish in the love and adoration from the crowd. Which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is I can't fool you. Any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it, and I do. God, believe me I do but it's not enough.

I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last three tours I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much. So much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, pisces Jesus man! Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know. I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be.

Full of love and joy kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable self-destructive, death rocker that I've become. I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along, and have empathy. Empathy! Only because I love and feel for people too much I guess. Thank you all from the pit of my burning nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore and so remember, its better to burn out than to fade away. peace, love, empathy. Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.

Please keep going Courtney

For Frances

For her life which will be so much happier without me. I Love you. I love you!

Before Nirvana

Kurt Cobain and Krist (then Chris) Novoselic met in 1985 and formed Fecal Matter, whom may have some demo tapes floating around. After their first drummer left (Aaron Burkhart), two unknown drummers and temporary Dale Crover of the Melvins took the spot for a couple months before Chad Channing took the drums. They hired guitarist Jason Everman to do live work (although he is listed on the Bleach credits, he had no contribution in making the record), but he soon left to join Soundgarden. Soon Chad Channing left, leaving the drummer spot open to temporaries Dan Peters of Mudhoney and Dale Crover. They soon hired Dave Grohl of the Scream, and switched labels from Sub Pop to DGC (Geffen).

There have been 2 other bands called Nirvana, one was a group from the early sixties who had one minor hit, and the other is a Christian band from the early 80's who tried to sue them.


Band Name       Who was in it/what did he play
=========       ==============================
Fecal Matter    Kurt Cobain   - Guitar/Vocals
Dale Crover   - Bass Guitar
Greg Hokanson - Drums
Mike Dillard  - Drums
Brown Cow       Buzz Osborne  - Bass Guitar
Dale Crover   - Drums
Kurt Cobain   - Guitar/Vocals
Stiff Woodies   Krist         - Vocals
Various Guitar and Bass
Kurt          - Drums
The Sellouts    Steve Newman - Bass Guitar
Kurt Cobain  - Drums
Krist        - Guitar/Vocals
Skid Row        Aaron Burckhard - Drums
Kurt            - Guitar
Krist		- Bass Guitar
Ted Ed Fred     }
Bliss           }
Throat Oyster   }Same as Skid Row
Pen Cap Chew    }
Windowpane      }
Nirvana  1  Kurt, Krist, Aaron Burckhard - Drums 1985-1986
2  Kurt, Krist, Dave Foster     - Drums 1986
3  Kurt, Krist, Chad Channing   - Drums 1986 - 1990 (Bleach)
4  Kurt, Krist, Jason Everman   - Guitar 1989 (Bleach)
5  Danny Peters    - Drum 1990?(one gig)
6  Dave Grohl      - Drums 1990 - (Nevermind and In Utero)
7  John Duncan     - Guitar 1993 (In Utero tour)
8  Pat Smear       - Guitar 1993 - (In Untero tour)

Compiled By Jeff M.

Courtney Love's Speach on Kurt's death

don't know what to say. I feel the same way you guys do. If you guys don't think... to sit in this room where he played guitar and sang, and feel so honored to be near him, you're crazy... Anyway, he left a note, it's more like a letter to the fucking editor. I don't know what happened. I mean it was gonna happen, but it could've happened when he was 40. He always said he was gonna outlive everybody and be a hundred and twenty. I'm not gonna read you all the note 'cause it's none of the rest of your fucking business. But some of it is to you. I don't really think it takes away his dignity to read this considering that it's addressed to most of you. He's such an asshole. I want you all to say 'asshole' really loud. "This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years since my first introduction to the shall we say, ethics involved with independence and embracement of your community, it's proven to be very true. "I haven't felt the excitment of listening to as well as creating music, along with really writing something, for too many years now.

"I feel guilty beyond words about these things -- for example, when we're backstage and the light go out and the roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love and relish the love and adoration of the crowd."

Well, Kurt, so fucking what -- then don't be a rock star you asshole.

"Which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact that I can't fool you, any one of you, it simply isn't fair to you or to me. The worst crime I could think of would be to pull people off by faking it, pretending as if I'm having 100% fun"

Well Kurt, the worst crime I can think of is for you to just continue being a rock star when you fucking hate it, just fucking stop.

"Sometimes I feel as I should have a punch-in time-clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it, and I do, God believe me I do, but it's not enough. I appreciate the fact that I and we have effected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're alone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last 3 tours I've had a much better appreciation of all the people I know personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get out the frustration to gather the empathy I have for everybody. There's good in all of us and I simply love people too much."

So why didn't you just fucking stay?

"So much that it makes me feel just too fucking sad. Sad little sensative unappreciative Pieces --"

Jesus man oh shut up.. bastard
Why didn't you just enjoy it? I don't know. Then he goes on to say personal things to me that are none of your damn business; personal things to Frances that are none of your damn business.

"I had a good marriage, and for that I'm grateful. But since the age of seven, I've become hateful toward all humans in general only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy."

Empathy?

"Only because I love and feel for people too much I guess Thank you all from the pit of my burning nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the last years. I'm pretty much of an erratic moody person and I don't have the passion anymore. Peace, Love, Empathy, Kurt Cobain."

And there is some more personal things that is none of your damn business. And just remember: this is all bullshit... And I'm laying in our bed, and I'm really sorry. And I feel the same way you do. I'm really sorry you guys. I don't know what I could have done. I wish I'd been here. I wish I hadn't listened to other people, but I did.

Every night I've been sleeping with his mother, and I wake up in the morning and think it's him because his body's sort of the same.

I have to go now.

-- Courtney Love





the stuff i have on my web site i got it from the site www.nirvanafreak.com